He brought out the animal in me
Dating has become crap because we've become communication cowards. This week I school a man who's lost his way after he lost out on love.
Hey you,
We’ve all got one who got away. Mine was my university crush, ambushed by a study abroad program. Patrick met his on the bus.
Recently, I met the male version of me. He may not be public about his love life but Patrick is just as enthusiastic about dating events. I’ve bumped into him at three of the last five events I’ve attended and we’ve happily swapped theories about why, at nearly 40, we’re both still single. But, alongside resonating with his dating takes, I’ve also called him out. His story of the one that got away is causing dating collateral damage.
As he tells it, Patrick sat next to the woman he can’t forget on a long bus journey back to London. Conversation flowed, flirtation ensued, and they separated at the station without exchanging contact info. Moments later he came to his romantic senses and ran after her. But she was gone. Disappeared in a station bustling with lovers, losers, and lost baggage. Since then, he promised himself to never miss an opportunity and now confidently asks for numbers where there’s the faintest of sparks. But that’s the problem. He’s asking for numbers, plural.
A guide to finding your mojo after you watch them walk away.
In his commitment to not pass on a connection, he’s started hedging his bets. Not out of fear of rejection, not worrying whether they’ll text back, but in case he wakes up still thinking about them. And in doing so, he’s contributing to the very problem we mutually lament. Dating is broken not only because it’s hard to find a connection, but because when you do, they don’t follow through. Patrick is planting false hope in female hearts across London and I told him to stop it.
So, he asked, what’s an open hearted man to do?
Step one: only ask for numbers that you genuinely intend to follow up with. Step two: if you change your mind, say so.
I know that’s a lot to ask. It certainly wouldn’t be nice to float home from a flirty exchange only to wake up to a “good to meet you, I’ve changed my mind” text, but we’ve entered an era where we need to over-index on communication. We need a great dating reset. And, no, a soft exit (slowly dragging out time between texts) doesn’t cut it.
Here’s what I’m doing instead:
When a chat on an app languishes for more than 10 days, I send a simple “looks like our conversation fizzled out, I’ll unmatch, wishing you all the best” message. More than many laconic men deserve but I’m trying to set a new standard.
When I start doubting a connection with someone I’m seeing, I bring it up. I say what I’m feeling and ask them to do the same. I don’t think any man I’ve dated in the last year was surprised when I called it quits.
When a man is brave enough to ask me out, I still respond even if it is to decline. Recently someone slid into my DMs after seeing me on stage (more on that story below) and while I passed on the invitation, I applauded the courage. It takes a lot to make the first move and I didn’t want my silence to discourage him from doing it again.
No part of this approach merits cruelty but it does require basic respect for someone’s heart. Transparency doesn’t make rejection easier but it makes it cleaner, and clean beats ambiguous every time.
So, Patrick’s bus lady, alongside my lost love, will have to stay preserved in what-could-have-been, while both of us continue our honest quests for the one that will be. Worst case scenario, Patrick joins me in bruising a couple of hearts. Best case, we end up dating each other. But that’s something I’ll bring up with him at the next dating event.
With love & other rubbish,
Candice
A tiger in the sheets
Last week I completed my triathlon - three nights, three dating events.
The first was a padel dating event where I cared more about scoring points than numbers.
The second was a theatre full of wingmen presenting PowerPoints on why their single friend deserved a date.
The third was a live reboot of the iconic 90s TV show Blind Date - one man, three women, a divider between them, and an audience of 200 looking on. I was on that stage before they’d even finished asking for volunteers.
When asked what animal I am in bed, I answered without hesitation: “a cougar in the streets and a tiger in the sheets.” Even though the crowd roared, Mr Mysterious clearly had reservations because he ultimately chose the much calmer contestant number three. No loss for me. I walked away with a bigger prize: a great story and the video clip to prove it:
…and other rubbish
That’s some big black caulk
Sometimes the outfit is just titty
The crush calculator: who’s more into whom?
You shaved your bush!
She said, he said
“Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”
Julius Gordon
If you had as much fun as me this week, please hit the like button 👇