He Slid Into My DMs

📩 Dates via DM 😜 Glorious Kinks 🐮 Weird Cowboys

Hey Sender,

I’m jealous of another man’s DMs.

I recently met a man who has received the most glorious range of DMs. Kind words, date propositions, even a bit of kink. And I realised, it’s all because women are doing the sending. And now I’m jealous of those women too. Because they slid in with brazenness. They willingly shot their shot. They’re women in total control of themselves (aka W.I.T.C.H.)

For me, DMs are my final romantic frontier. Put me front and centre at a dating event and I’ll chat the room up. Give me a dating app and I’ll easily send the first message. But I don’t ever slide into DMs. I don’t even think to message a man I fancy out of fear of being inappropriate, ignored, and all the tropes that keep a single person single. Nor do I engage with the ones I receive because I find it, well, weird. Men can be very weird.

One of my regulars is a man named Jesper. He’s been messaging me for over a year with nuggets like “You are the most beautiful cake” and “I think the smell of your breasts and vagina is so nice.” Pardon? It genuinely baffles me that he thinks this kind of talk will work. No, sir, I am not interested in a picture of your “magic stick.” As a result, I treat my DMs like a dead-end street for inbound men.

Well, almost.

I have dabbled.

Twice.

In the last two weeks.

First came the footballer. There was something so alluring about his “when are we dating?” confidence that I couldn’t resist. I replied with an aloof “are you old enough to date me?” and successfully batted him away when I found out the answer. But then, on NYE, he popped up again and I fell, hook, line, and love bomber. Because here’s the thing about me: I love good chat. I know that seems obvious – doesn’t everyone? – but in my case it’s one of two things I can do for hours (the other being snogging.) And the banter was excellent. Quick, flirty, and properly British.

Now, I know what you’re thinking – a girl like me, with all that dating experience, surely knew it was a dead-end? Of course I did. Of course it was. I gave him January 1st, 2nd, and 3rd and finally cut him off on the 4th. Do I regret it? Not at all. It was fun. It was nice to have a new year crush. But damn what a waste.

That’s another thing I find weird about men – you’re going to invest all that energy into chatting with someone but don’t have enough curiosity to see if it translates to real life? Confidence online, inertia offline, an overall waste of time.

Then, this past weekend, came another man. The one I’m jealous of. The second DM slider who stood out from the pack. But, this time, I had a head start having already seen some of his videos. We arranged to meet for coffee at 11am on Sunday, and by 9pm were still hanging out. 10 hours later! What a gift it is to meet someone new – in real life I hasten to add – and to get on so well that you’re still chatting 10 hours later.

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Do you like it hard or soft?

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Among the many things we have in common – age, energy, a love for dim sum – he’s also a fresh voice in the dating world. There’s not many of us who talk openly about modern dating, let alone a man, so my interest was especially piqued. Not because it felt romantic, but because it felt equal.

And that brings us to his DMs. Glorious. He spoke of women young, old, and freakily expressing their interest for him. But not the “magic stick pot” kind. The let’s-escalate-this-slowly-once-it’s-mutual kind. While I can’t spill all the tea (they’re his stories to share), just know that there’s a woman in New Zealand who should run a training camp for men interested in DM sliding. Even I’d pay top dollar to attend her school of textual brilliance.

Is it love between me and him? No, I don’t think so, but I do want him to stick around. Proof that there is platonic light in the sexual DM darkness. I’m already petitioning for him to share his wisdom (and maybe even his DMs) in this newsletter. Stay tuned…

As for me, I’ll stick with sliding into your email inbox once a week and leave the DMs for other people to conquer. Who knows, maybe one day, someone will send something more eloquent than “wots ur number” and the dead-end will turn into a doorway. They just need to handle my knocker(s) properly.

With love & other rubbish,

Candice

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…and other rubbish

• What liking someone’s Instagram story really means

• Are you ready to try dating again?

• Men vs women

• Randomly calling him Daddy

• Giant. Cowboy. Chronicles. What?!

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She said, he said

“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.”
Dave Barry

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