I've Met My Match
💰 Hinge Premium 🔮 Romantic Hypnosis 🤧 Latex Allergies
Hey Hunter,
Matchmaker, matchmaker, find me a man.
This week, I went to the Global Love Conference (yes, it’s a real thing) to talk with 40+ matchmakers about unicorn hunting (6’5”, blue eyes, finance), whether social media is damaging dating, and if one of them could help me find a husband. Matchmaking, it turns out, is big-hearted and big-budget.
Sat between a hypnotherapist who can unblock my love life and a 30-year veteran who told me to stop oversharing, I wondered why I’ve never considered a matchmaker. I genuinely want a great big love but I’ve never even paid for premium on Hinge (£14.99 a week). That probably explains the results I’ve (not) paid for.
But, buckle up. Basic matching services range from £1,000 - £5,000. Mid range goes up to £10,000, including photo shoots and coaching. And the top end – elite, international, and perfect for Porsche drivers who can’t pick up chicks with the soft top down – can hit £300,000.
As for guarantees: you’ll definitely get some matches but there’s no assurance that it’ll turn into a date, let alone a relationship. They’ll hand deliver some profiles, whether you like them or not is your problem!
But here’s the thing, I actually liked these people.
Aleeza Ben Shalom is just as heartfelt as she appears on the Netflix show Jewish Matchmaking.
Hayley Hurst is the good kind of catfisher on Bumble (yes, you can pay someone to do your online dating!)
And I couldn’t stop laughing when the Eastern European matchmaker spoke of the singleton who tried to double her $10,000 fee for a “guaranteed unicorn”. She told them to get a dentist, a stylist, a trainer, and a therapist and call her again in a year. Maybe she’d answer. Brutal. Brilliant.
At their core, these matchmakers aren’t selling dates, they’re selling hope and a handbook. Sure, we can do it ourselves, but outsourcing is more efficient and keeps us open-minded. In fact, the matchmaker mantra “if it’s not a no, then it’s still a yes” really got me thinking. Maybe I was too quick to write off the great kisser but terrible communicator or the funny fella but terrible kisser. Having a searcher and a sounding board rolled into one might be just what I need.
So, perhaps I will hand my heart over to a professional, but they’ll need to offer a payment plan. I can only afford the buy-now-he-pays-later option!
With love & other rubbish,
Candice
…and other rubbish
Mine is bigger than yours
Let’s hope he doesn’t have a latex allergy
This is peak toxic revenge
He’s also 6’7. Uh oh…
Welcome to dating in 2025
She said, he said
“A man with money is no match against a man on a mission.”
Doyle Brunson
I've tried matchmaking. It sucks. Ugh