Heart in Slow Motion
💰 Valuing Bachelors 🎇 Stopping Fireworks 🎱 Balls Deep
Hey Flame Throwers,
I've found myself in a new dating headspace - avoiding the flames in favour of the slow burn.
The shift started a few months ago - right after I came back from Singapore with a bruised heart. As I pieced myself back together, I realised it was time to make a shift. I couldn't keep giving space to men who weren't interested in filling it. Sure, it sounds obvious now, but you try telling that to a hopelessly romantic heart and a RomCom fantasizing brain.
As I reflect on the three dates I've had since returning to the UK, I think I have finally reached the place that the “experts” have been preaching about all along - away from a state of limerence. I've swapped my addiction to romantic infatuation and idealised outcomes with a slower, steadier pace. It's not as sexy, but it's certainly more stable.
I've stopped asking guys out on dates. Candice of the past had no problem leaning in but it only ever had short term results. This isn't about reverting to traditional gender roles, but about leaving room for the man to lean forward. I overtly signal my interest and am hopeful for the invitation, but I no longer chase it. On the first date with Bachelor #1, we were already discussing date number two but he never followed through with an actual plan. His lack of scheduling, drove my loss in interest.
I may be slowing down, but there is no change in my needs. A week after my date with Bachelor #2, I told him that communication was important to me and asked where we stood. He took 36 hours to reply and, even then, it was a deflection. His delay (and dodge!) of the question, confirmed my decision - he was not the right communicator for me. Things ended with him a few texts later.
Thirdly, I'm not waiting for great, I am moving forward with good. I went out with Bachelor #3 earlier this week and had… a nice time. He is attractive. Conversation was easy. I am open to learning more. Sure, I miss the fireworks - the unbridled desire and the passion of a drunken first kiss - but those feelings have never led me anywhere good. This quieter spark feels unfamiliar, and that’s exactly the point. There’s finally a recognition that a stable flame might need time to catch. I'm ready and waiting with the bellows.
Each of these dates reminded me that going slow doesn’t mean going nowhere - it means seeing clearly. Whether it’s about (not) making plans, (not) answering honestly, or (not) feeling strong attraction, each Bachelor showed me that holding back isn’t about playing games; it’s making sure the move is worth making. And while my new pace may feel as slow as molasses, at least I know I’m still sweet like Candi(ce).
With love & other rubbish,
Candice
Bulls, Bears, & Bachelors
How do you measure the value of a man? Height, hair, home ownership? Maybe his icks and turn-ons? This week, one matchmaker is telling us it’s all of the above, live from the New York Stock Exchange.
There is a high-end matchmaker in New York, who is famed for her coupling capabilities. Lucy at the agency Adore, has brokered nine marriages and commands top dollar. Except Lucy is fictional. She was concocted by a real-life matchmaker called Celine Song and is played by Dakota Johnson in the new movie, Materialists.
The concept for the movie stems from Song’s own matchmaking work, where she noticed clients valuing dates like assets.: “My job made me feel like a stockbroker… [which] makes sense… we see our world through the filter of market value, not through the filter of love.” Perfect fodder for a movie (and an role for heartthrob du jour, Pedro Pascal).
And that’s where the NYSE comes in. To promote the film, producers set up a ticker tape tracking the rise and fall in the value of single men. From Paul, a man on an $840,000 salary, who is turned on by praise to Ethan who earns $88,000 and is put off by the elderly, we can watch their worth fluctuate. Sure, if there was a female version of this chart, the feminists would be banging down the stock market doors with bulls and bears in tow. But as satire, I think the idea is fun. In a world where icks have become common parlance, it's nice to know that Uri, with his distaste for dexterous toes, has lost his value by -45%. Helps me value my collection of closed-toed shoes.
(Alas, dear British friends, we have to wait until August until it reaches our shores)
Kiss & Tell
Last week, I asked you a burning question about kissing. The results are in (but tongues should come and go)…
…and other rubbish
This is true love.
Yo boy, tell me what that tongue do
Break her heart, receive a gallon of gorilla sh!t
The transformative power of texting nudes to strangers
Mum misunderstood what “balls deep” means
May we all have his body confidence
She said, he said
“I am dating, but it is hard to find someone quick enough and funny enough. I am quite demanding.”
Anne Robinson
Happiness is a life long pursuit. What makes one person happy is not always the same thing and what makes you happy will likely change over time. That you are adjusting what you are seeking from a partner is, for me, just a natural consequence of a change in what makes you happy. Also, unless you have some sort of desire for your life to be turned into movie, then there isn’t any special prize for couples that are wildy romantic and passionate.